


V.I.P.

by fuckener



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Genderstuck, Girl!Dave Strider, Girl!Karkat Vantas, Humor, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:03:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckener/pseuds/fuckener
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="dave">TG: youre clear for take off captain</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dave">TG: if you know what i mean</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dave">TG: clear skies are you ready to soar into that sexy sunsets pinkish embrace</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dave">TG: sort of an angry red in places</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	V.I.P.

**Author's Note:**

> in my headcanon girl!dave's name is still dave for maximum irony

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

 

TG: hey

TG: i did stuff to prepare for things this is important

TG: the stuff that i did

TG: it pertains to the safety of our plummeting meteor homeland i already alerted president kanaya and his first gentleman

TG: karkat

CG: WHAT IS IT?

TG: wow you actually replied this time

TG: as far as miracles go this is on a par with like the clitoris

CG: I’VE ASKED YOU NOT TO THROW AROUND THE M-WORD.

TG: oh yeah my bad

CG: AND THE REASON I HAVEN’T BEEN REPLYING TO EVERY SPECTACULARLY ASSFUCKED THING YOU SAY IS THAT YOU TALK TO ME WHEN YOU ACTUALLY JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOURSELF. IT’S LIKE YOUR WRITING A NEVER-ENDING BOOK ENTITLED‘HOW TO SAY A MILLION FUCKING THINGS WHILE SAYING NOTHING AT ALL: THE DAVE STRIDER STORY.’

CG: HONESTLY, HOW MANY UNNECESSARY AND COMPLETELY FABRICATED TALES OF HORSESHIT HAVE YOU SPUN FOR ME AT THIS POINT? YOU ARE THE TROLL STEPHEN KING OF TALKING OUT YOUR ASS.

CG: YOUR ASS HAS WRITTEN OVER A THOUSAND MEDIOCRE, BORDERING MENTALLY UNSTABLE NOVELS FOR ME. INFINITE. IT NEVER ENDS. I AM STUCK IN A NEVER ENDING CIRCLE OF YOUR ASS’S USELESS CONVERSATION WITH ITSELF.

CG: BY THE END OF EVERY ONE, NEITHER OF US EVEN KNOW WHERE THE CONVERSATION STARTED.

CG: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY SPUR YOU INTO A TANGENT ON BULL-FIGHTING ME WITH YOUR CAPE, WHATEVER EVEN IN THE FUCK THAT IS IN THE FIRST PLACE

CG: YOUR HUMAN GOG WEEPS AT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PROCESS OF YOUR CREATION.

TG: man sometimes i have no idea how you can say stuff like this to me with zero irony intended

TG: i mean im guessing this was about how i tell you a lot of rad fuckin stories that go a little off point sometimes based on the first five words you said

TG: but no way am i reading that whole thing holy shit

TG: no mother of fucking way

TG: i literally passed out in exhaustion after your second message

TG: the only reason i woke up was because jesus came to me in my dream and said dave you sweet girl you are the only hope the universe has of making karkat stop help me davey wan kenobi youre my only hope

CG: SHUT UP THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN.

CG: YOUR JESUS DOES NOT EXIST HERE.

TG: my jesus exists everywhere bigot

TG: obviously you just havent found him yet

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANYTHING YOU SAY EVEN MEAN?

CG: I DON’T THINK YOU EVEN KNOW HALF OF THE TIME.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, BEFORE THIS JUST ESCALATES FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO SOME IMPOSSIBLY MORONIC ARGUMENT THAT FINISHES WITH YOU ATTEMPTING MORE WEAK SLAM POETRY ABOUT HOW NOBODY SHOULD MESS WITH YOU, JUST TELL ME ABOUT YOUR

CG: ‘STUFF.’

TG: why is that in inverted commas what do you even mean

TG: im like five seconds from spitting some choice rap about these goddamn inverted commas

CG: HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS.

CG: DON’T ANSWER, I KNOW YOU’RE NOT.

CG: I’M PLEADING WITH ANY CELLS LEFT IN YOUR THINK PAN JUST TO GET THIS THE FUCK OVER WITH. PLEASE, YOU LITTLE TROOPERS, MAKE HER A REASONABLE HUMAN PERSON FOR GLORIOUS SECOND. IF YOU REMEMBER IT LATER YOU CAN HAVE HER ASS ADD IT INTO A POORLY WRITTEN HISTORY BOOK IT WILL BE SUCH A MOMENTOUS EVENT.

TG: okay letting every hilarious thing you just tried to say slide here

TG: my ass will add that into the history book too its such a miracle believe me

CG: DAVE

TG: here i go

TG: im about to share my important news with you

TG: my main matespirit

CG: YOU TOLD ME NOT TO CALL YOU THAT. YOU SAID IT WAS TOO LAME.

CG: YOU DON’T GET TO SAY IT.

CG: YOU CAN’T EVEN SAY IT RIGHT!

CG: AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY ‘MAIN’, WHO ELSE WOULD EVEN BE A VIABLE OPTION FOR YOU AS WE, PARTY OF SEVEN, SHOOT THROUGH SPACE ON A PIECE OF DIRT.

CG: YOU, SELF-PROCLAIMED ‘CLAM QUEEN’, THE TWO MEN ONBOARD WHO SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME TOUCHING BULGES - ONE OF THEM BEING YOUR BIOLOGICAL, EQUALLY ‘HOMOSEXUAL’ BROTHER WHICH APPARENTLY POSES SOME KIND OF HUMAN ISSUE - AND THE HOMICIDAL CLOWN WHO IS AS ELUSIVE AS FUCKING TROLL BIGFOOT OVER HERE, AND HER VERY MALE KISMESIS WHOSE BRAIN SHE’S IN THE PROCESS OF ROTTING, PROBABLY VIA BULGE.

CG: WHO OUT OF THIS LIST IS VIABLE.

TG: these are desperate times you know

TG: in the dark im sure human wieners and alien ones alike just feel like

TG: idk

TG: im in the mayors can town rearranging the place

TG: feeling up one cylindrical shape after the other

TG: my life is a big fucking cylinder party for all you know

TG: i dont mean like the lame sixth grade houseparty shit when your parents are staying the night at some stank hotel just to mutually rub one out away from the eyes of their children

TG: i mean like this is tijuana and some guy with a river of coke from under one of his nostrils just handed me a stash of weed the size of china and pointed us towards a strip joint like

TG: go my daughter

TG: smoke until you are on planet motherfucking mars

TG: eat pussy until you never know hunger again

CG: IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN.

CG: IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED AGAIN.

CG: YOU JUST GOT FUCKING SIDETRACKED SO HARD I THINK THIS METEOR TOOK A U-TURN BACK TO NOWHERE. BRAVO.

CG: CONGRATULATIONS.

CG: IF THERE WAS AN AWARD FOR THE MOST USELESS AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE WORDS EVER FORCED TOGETHER IN A SENTENCE I WOULD BE IN MY FANCIEST MOTHERFUCKING DRESS AS WE SPEAK, HAVING KANAYA HOLD THE BACK OF IT UP AS I SLOWLY PRESENT IT TO YOU. COME ACCEPT YOUR PRIZE, DAVE, YOU HAVE TRULY FUCKING EARNED THIS ASSTALK AWARD.

TG: thats sweet

TG: im pretty sure itd be a tie between us though but its nice you put me ahead like that

CG: FUCK YOU, I’M ALWAYS ON POINT.

TG: you must be joking this time i mean christ karkat

CG: I HAVE NEVER JOKINGLY SAID FUCK YOU, FUCKING YOU IS NOT A JOKE TO ME.

CG: GOD NO

CG: THAT WASN’T WHAT I MEANT.

CG: DO NOT START ON ME.

CG: DAVE DON’T DO IT.

CG: DAVE

CG: DON’T START ON ME BUT REPLY WITH SOMETHING, JUST IN THE LEAST SMARTASS, BULLSHITTY MANNER YOU CAN MANAGE.

TG: i was about to talk to you about that anyway

TG: the way you brought it up is mindblowingly terrible though and im definitely telling everyone about it later

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WHAT.

CG: DON’T TELL ANYONE. I FORBID YOU.

CG: WHEN I SAID ‘I FORBID YOU’ I DIDN’T MEAN ‘PUT IT INTO THE GROUP CHAT RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK, I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.’

TG: didnt you

TG: weird thats word for word exactly how i heard it

CG: SHUT UP ALREADY.

CG: WHAT DID YOU MEAN?

CG: ABOUT

CG: YOU KNOW.

TG: about how serious fucking me is to you

CG: YES BUT WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE SHIT-TALKING.

TG: just clarifying

TG: you were saying a lot of shit

TG: so yeah basically i am ready for that to happen

TG: youre clear for take off captain

TG: if you know what i mean

TG: clear skies are you ready to soar into that sexy sunsets pinkish embrace

TG: sort of an angry red in places

TG: this flowing sea is calm for sailin on as hard as you wanna ride it girl

CG: YOU’RE READY TO

CG: BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T READY.

TG: i wasnt but now i am and i want to all the time so

TG: i thought the vapours were bad in texas but lemme tell ya

TG: the hot houston sun dont have no effect on a girl like you do

CG: I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS FOR THE SAKE OF BULLSHITTING.

TG: i meant that

CG: OH.

CG: THANKS.

CG: I FEEL LIKE MOTHERFUCKING EQUIUS WHENEVER YOU SAY ANYTHING GENUINE TO ME.

TG: she was the really sweaty horny one right

CG: YEAH.

TG: nice

TG: its my girlish charm nobody is immune

CG: WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

TG: uh

TG: i thought there was kinda something

TG: wrong

TG: with my ladyparts

TG: but i got a second opinion and its fine no worries im peacing out of the sad cylinder party and peacing into the joyous cooch shindig

CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN ‘SECOND OPINION’?

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WRONG, ARE YOU OKAY??

CG: DID YOU FIND A CYST? A YEAST INFECTION? THRUSH? ENDOMETRIOSIS? VULVODYNIA? MENOPAUSE?

CG: WHAT IS IT?

TG: its a healthy goddamn vagina calm yourself

TG: just after i did some landscaping down there there was like

TG: a huge birthmark

TG: shaped like the devil

TG: horns and tail and pitchfork

TG: the works

TG: but apparently thats how all lesbian vaginas look idk

CG: THAT IS A TERRIBLE JOKE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW I’M CONCERNED.

TG: im trying to lighten the mood

TG: i knew youd freak i wasnt gonna tell you ever but the two gay vagina inspectors guilt tripped me into it for like a month so

TG: my period was just super out of whack okay ive been getting bad signal from the moon ever since my universe was destroyed and its fucking with my bodys natural sweet rhythm a little

TG: but its cool and you dont need to worry

TG: more importantly how the fuck do you even know all that vagina info

TG: i actually have a human vagina and dont know what half that shit was

CG: THAT’S NORMAL, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING YOUR AGE AND THE STRESS OF THE SITUATION UPON US RIGHT NOW. I KNOW IT MUST BE A PAIN FOR IT TO BE SO ERRATIC BUT IT’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT AND IT REALLY SHOULDN’T EFFECT YOUR SEX LIFE, ESPECIALLY SINCE I’M NEITHER HUMAN NOR MALE AND WOULDN’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING THAT HURT YOU.

CG: IS IT A LOT MORE PAINFUL NOW?

TG: you are seriously both blowing my mind and freaking me the f out

TG: i knew it wasnt like really serious or health damaging i just felt really unsexy because my vagina was being crazy 24 out of the 7

TG: i just wanted to see if there was stuff i could do to help it and its mostly cool now so

TG: yeah it does hurt like a bitch but it always has im used to it

CG: YOUR GOD IS SUCH AN ASS TURD FOR DOING THIS TO WOMEN.

TG: youre tellin me

TG: seriously girl how did you know all that stuff

TG: oh my god wait

TG: hold the fucking phone

TG: im on the phone the the p of the motherfucking us of a right now and i am literally putting it on hold and setting it down right now like hold the fuck up barack

TG: youve been researching pussy havent you

CG: WHO THE HELL IS BARACK

CG: AND YEAH FINE, OKAY, I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT OUR INEVITABLE INTERSPECIES INTERCOURSE AND I LOOKED INTO IT UNTIL THE HUMAN VAGINA STOPPED LOOKING LIKE A MONSTER THAT WAS PAUSED IN THE PROCESS OF ITS GROTESQUE FORMATION. THANK YOU, DOZENS OF EXPLICIT AND LIFE-SCARRING DIAGRAMS.

TG: oh my god

TG: out of all the disturblingly endearing things you do this is topping the list by far

TG: this is even more adorable than the constant pottymouth and fondness of the middle finger

TG: sorry am i making you equius levels of horny and sweaty

TG: ill stop just in case

CG: YOU WERE, AND THANK YOU.

TG: kanaya helped didnt he

TG: does everyone in this place go to him for their vaginal issues

TG: it doesnt even make sense hes neither human nor lady wth

CG: WELL WHY DID YOU GO TO HIM?

TG: hes cool and he pops a godzilla sized boner over looking into weird human stuff

TG: asking him to look into my fucked up menstrual cycle was more of a favour to him than to me

CG: DID YOU

CG: SHOW HIM YOUR

CG: YOU KNOW.

TG: holy fuck

TG: no

TG: i was mildly worried okay i wasnt like yanking off my panties and squatwalking across the fucking meteor asking everyone if my snatch was looking real good that day

TG: and hes my brothers boyfriend

TG: hey bro you mind stepping out for a sec i just need to show your bf my vagina real quick kay thanks

TG: im excited to discuss this at the next get together of our completely genetically assfucked family it is yet another occasion to add to the long list of ways our life together is shockingly traditional

CG: THANKS FOR THE EXTREMELY DETAILED DENIAL, IT’S LIKE I AM A PART OF YOUR BRAIN’S WEIRD FUCKING EXPIDITIONS INTO THE ABYSS, WHERE NOT ONE SINGLE INTELLIGENT THOUGHT IS ABLE TO GROW.

TG: it is pretty fun in here youre right

CG: SO YOU’RE

CG: YOU’RE OKAY?

TG: im fine dont fret okay

CG: THEN WHAT DOES LANDSCAPING MEAN?

TG: what

CG: EARLIER YOU SAID YOU’D DONE SOME LANDSCAPING DOWN THERE.

TG: oh

TG: yeah

TG: i shaved it

TG: thats the stuff i did to prepare for the thing

CG: WHAT??? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

TG: because i dont want to like rugburn your nook dude

CG: OH SHIT.

CG: I’M LITERALLY MORPHING INTO EQUIUS RIGHT NOW FROM THIS COCOON OF FUCKING UNNEEDED BODILY FLUIDS, YOU NEED TO STOP.

TG: mm thats hot

CG: STOP THAT. YOU’RE ENCOURAGING IT.

TG: your girl bulge peekin out to say hello

CG: STOP TEASING ME.

TG: i told you its not teasing anymore

TG: where doing it man

TG: yo karkat

TG: hey

TG: whered you go

TG: did my aggressive female sexuality freak you out

CG: JUST BE QUIET FOR LIKE A SECOND, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

TG: okay im listening

CG: I’M SORRY IF IT DOESN’T GO WELL.

CG: I WANT IT TO SO BADLY. I RESEARCHED THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND TRIED PRACTICING IN MY HEAD AND WATCHED YOUR HORRENDOUS AND TERRIFYING HUMAN LESBIAN PORNS, BUT THEY’RE ALL JUST MAKING IT FEEL SCARIER.

CG: YOU ARE SO ANNOYING AND I LIKE YOU SO MUCH.

TG: wow

TG: i had no idea you were so stressed about this but now i think about it you were weirdly chill before which should have been a screaming alarm bell in itself

TG: look its gonna be fine

TG: there is no research you can do to ensure that everythings perfect and no practice alone thatll compare and lesbian porn is really majorly fucked up and not actually intended for girls who like pussy 99 out of a 100 times

TG: i like you too and thats why even if it sucks itll be awesome

TG: because its with you

TG: im bad at stuff like this im equiusing the fuck out now too shit

TG: we are girlfriends or matesprits or whatever and this is a kind of long term thing so even if it isnt spectacular the first go we have time on our hands

TG: maybe

TG: well we have me the motherfucking queen of time time is my little bitch

TG: also im probably good enough at sex for the both of us so i wouldnt even worry if i were you

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A RELIEF IT WAS THAT YOU SAID ALL THE STUPID SHIT AT THE END. WHAT WOULD OUR CONVERSATIONS GO LIKE IF YOUR BRAIN HAD A FILTER.

CG: THANKS FOR WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY, I GUESS.

CG: IT WAS SORT OF SWEET, LIKE WATCHING A GROWING WRIGGLER TRYING TO WALK ON ITS CHUBBY, UNCOORDINATED LEGS AND THINKING YOU KNOW, IT’S NICE THAT ITS MAKING THE ATTEMPT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT’S JUST SO FUCKING TERRIBLE AT WHAT IT’S DOING THAT YOU COULD SCREAM.

CG: MAYBE SOMETIMES I DRIVE MYSELF UP THE WALL WITH SHIT THAT ISN’T REALLY AS STRESSFUL AS I MAKE IT OUT TO BE.

CG: THAT ONE REALLY WAS IRONIC. THIS IS A CRAPPY SITCOM AND I’M CUEING YOU TO LAUGH RIGHT NOW.

TG: im laughing

TG: i wolf whistled at all the seductive wriggler comparisons earlier too fyi you really know how to flatter a lady

TG: dont worry about it okay

TG: be excited instead

TG: my vagina is like a super vip club and you are the only one getting past the velvet rope and inside

TG: you are the only one who gets to hear the sick beats inside the vip club that is my vagina

CG: YOU ARE PURPOSEFULLY BEING WEIRDLY EROTIC.

TG: no im not im just stating facts

TG: im getting you psyched for your first step inside club coochie

TG: its 100 degrees inside

TG: the dress code is no clothes allowed

TG: i am the only other person in the club

TG: also nude

TG: i finally have the full go ahead to touch up your boobs

TG: holy shit

TG: the day has finally come

TG: its motorboat monday in club coochie and dave strider is getting her motherfucking fill

CG: YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP SEXUALLY FRUSTRATING US BOTH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

CG: WHAT’S THE POINT IN THIS STUFF ANYMORE WHEN WE COULD LITERALLY BE ENGAGING IN REAL SEXUAL ACTIVITY RIGHT NOW AND NOT SHARING SOME ACID TRIP METAPHOR ABOUT IT

TG: idk man i was kind of just going to keep yammering on until you finally got the point and moved up off your ass to come see me

CG: THIS LAZINESS AND ENTITLEMENT ISN’T BODING WELL FOR WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, BUT.

CG: FINE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: club coochie is finally open for business praise the good lord


End file.
